August 2nd, 2009

It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, I know it already that it won't matter to him. That's what hurt the most. In the end, I'm just a girl. But I keep trying...

I've said a lot with my sister and my friend. I wanted to come here and vent too but I can't seem to get much out. I'm thinking things over and over in my head. Wondering what my best option is. What's right and wrong. Who I am and what matters to me. So I'm stuck. Just thinking everything all over in my head... not getting anywhere, no answers.

I feel selfish for thinking this. But I feel like I've put my life on hold for my dad. I've been thinking, my life can wait. His health isn't getting any better and I sure don't want to regret not being there. And I feel selfish again for wanting to leave him. He's said some things that hurt me deeply. He's said some things that are deeply wrong. I look at this from every side. He's my father, I'm his child. He loves me no matter what. He's only looking out for me. I should appreciate him... etc.

I know all of that. I know how he is. How his mind works. How he can be so traditional sometimes. But he doesn't know me. He doesn't care to know me. Cause sooner or later, I'll be married off to someone and I will no longer be part of his family.