Your cold stare is a dagger in my heart.

Yet when you turn away is when I hurt the most.

Pride has gotten in the way, I keep saying

But even when that's gone, nothing's there

I cry silently for my pillow, curled in

Pinch myself hard because it's not a dream

Scars of memories I wish not to repeat

But as my skin open, I felt at ease

I am stronger somehow as I stack these bricks

Stained with blood from the cold war

But pain cannot be felt, I tried. Immuned, I fear

Oh how it was when I was alive.

"I've always thought of being in love as being willing to do anything for the other person."

I was happy.

The end..

As much as I want to stay positive, it just isn't working. You know that in the long run, you will only benefit from it but it's so hard. I feel like I'm taking this journey all by myself and my suppose loved ones are just throwing rocks at me. Ok, I may have word it wrong but I sure feel like it.

There is a particular person in my life that I feel like I will never be able to satisfy. Never be proud of me. I tell myself that it shouldn't matter and I can be proud of myself. But that's a lie and I find myself crying at night about it.

The first dream I had about her after she pass was the night I was taking my brothers and sister to the airport so they can head home to NC. This was after all the preparations and the funeral. In the dream, she was still alive. She was never sick and she was well. Me and all the siblings were going to go somewhere and we asked if she wanted to come along. She said no and that she'll just watch us go.

The last dream that I had about her was at least 2 years ago. Me and my sister was walking down a dirt road with grass fields beside the both of us. Someone tap our shoulder from behind us and it was her. She was happy with a big smile on her face. In this dream, me and my sister both knew that she had already passed so we thought it was weird and strange that she was standing before us. Happy and a little scared, we asked her why she was here. She said she came to pick us up and that we can go with her. I look at my sister and said that this wasn't right. So we told our mom that we weren't going to go with her. She had this smile on her face that was scary and peaceful at the same time.

I woke up having this feeling that she was happy we've moved on and that she was happy to see us happy. That doesn't sound right does it? It feels wrong to feel happy without her. I know.